The Laments of a Broken Hearted Silhouette

A mother’s love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity; it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path. — Agatha Christie

My mom is neither funny nor weird.

Because …

She’s a very delicate person when it comes to handling children; be it us or her centre-kids (she owns her own centres). The passion she has for children can be seen so clearly with the naked eye, and how she treats them with care and love; the tenderness is said through her actions. She has never laid her hand on any of us — my siblings and I, no matter how monstrous we used to be when we were still younglings in the house. Even though we were acting like Gremlins, she loved us still, without second thoughts.

There are other things about her that I remember.

Some were painful, sad, but most of my memories of mom are sweet and inspiring.

Mom has been through so much in her life, by bringing me up and caring about my well-being altogether. She endured many challenges throughout her journey but she has never given up on hope and faith as she has always been very, very strong. So sturdy that sometimes she thinks she’s a bionic woman. No kidding!

She has always been an inspiration to me of how I should be when I grow up. She was never harsh or loud when I make mistakes but instead she advices me to an extent where and how the errors made are not meant to be repeated. Somehow, with my staying a few hours apart from my nucleus family taught me how to appreciate everything more. I learned how to express my emotions because I was a very stoic during my younger days. My relatives used to joke saying that I bore my father’s genes since he’s stentorian and stoic most of the time.

Through the hardships I have faced in life, mom has always been there with her tangible support and her soothing voice was always the saving grace. Without her emotional and physical support, I would not be where/who I am today. To be blessed with a mother like her, I consider myself very, very lucky. Everything she gave me was the driving force in my life, to make me strive for more, and be the best I can. No one else can replace her or be what she has been to me because she will always be the queen of my heart.

I thank her for who I am today, for the love and sacrifices she made for me. Forgive me for the words unsaid, mistakes and storms I made. Also, I thank her for the beliefs she had in me and the undying love that was given to me since I was an infant. Through the rough seas and storms, her love has always been the guiding light; just like stars shining brightly in the dark, navy blue sky. Without her by my side everything would not feel completely right. I cannot dull her love neither mine for her because she is the best mother I can ever have — and the only one. Her gift to me was the greatest; the gift of life.

Happy Mother’s Day to all Moms out there!

• 2 Silhouettes Pondered

My brain’s exhausted from all the cramming session that had been done over the past two weeks. Examinations are always tiring for students especially when it involves a gargantuan set of theories and calculations to remember. Like I previously said, it’s the final mile and marathon for my schooling days because after this is a whole new world for me to explore.

Well, I am feeling really tired right now albeit I took a day off to rest my mind and body from the heavy duty days I had for the past week. Seriously, I am praying hard that I did not screw up my Tuesday exam paper. The questions were broad, yes, and I managed to write my essays but I seriously hope that it will all end well. I am so worried.

There’s no way you can cry over spilt milk but I am not crying because I know I gave my papers all the best I can and no regrets. The only thing I am worried is that … Never mind. I guess everyone has such worries after they are done with their papers hence I dislike the idea of discussing the question paper of a particular module right after the answer sheets are collected by the invigilators. You would not want to jinx yourself, no?

Right now, I feel like hitting the club. I feel so deprived of that particular environment; people dancing wildly around each other, the taste of hard liquor running down your throat and the amount of time spent with girlfriends/boyfriends dancing the night away and at the same time throwing away those worries for a few hours. Well, I am a social drinker and my tolerance for alcohol is unbelievably high so keep your mind away from the thoughts that I may get drunk because I can control myself. I bet everyone has been to clubs before — during your days when you were younger, right?

Anyway, my unconscious mind may be the culprit; prompting me to write these. I’m having fun though imagining myself in a club at this moment or a lounge. It would be fun but too bad everyone is still leading hectic days due to the exams. I have exactly four days before my last paper so I will be giving it my very, very, very best shot!

What has everyone been up to?

• 10 Silhouettes Pondered

At last I managed to steal some time off my hectic schedule and update my days-forsaken site. I had been warring examination papers and so far I have conquered two battles albeit the victor is still unknown but my intuition tells me that everything will flow smoothly according to plans — just like the smoothness of a cold draught. Certainly it makes no sense connecting examinations with war and lager but the latter is what I’m dreaming for at this wee hour in the morning. A can of lager would do me good due to the surmounting pressure and frustration because running the final mile has not been easy and the lost of momentum is constantly there. Perhaps, it has been way too many years indulging myself within the company of books and assignments hence the tiredness that I’m experiencing is equivalent to throwing my body off the cliff.

Of course, that’s only imagery.

I’m exaggerating.

But anyway, yesterday was an evening paper and boy, I was lucky because everything I revised came out in the paper and I had quite a hard time choosing the questions that I wanted to do. Though the lack of time threw me off balance — a little bit I still managed to complete my essays in time with the echoes of Rachmaninoff’s classical pieces playing in my ears. I smiled to myself when I saw this question; “The position of women in organisations is unlikely to improve unless stronger equal opportunities legislation is enacted. Discuss.”

What do you think the answer would be?

I’m not setting up a pop-quiz but I thought it’d be nice to reflect for a moment on what the paper was about yesterday besides talking about racial and women discrimination in organisations. I think the after-effect of the last paper has yet to wear off. One thing for sure though, there are only two more papers to go for me to complete the whole marathon. Cheering myself on!

How has your week been like?

Productive? Hectic? Bummed?

By the way, it’s finally the weekend and I am sure everyone was looking forward to it. Enjoy!

• 8 Silhouettes Pondered

As I move further, I began to realise how out of tune I have been lately. Not to mention (again), my system crashed for nearly a week and I am still on the road to recovery. I had to stop my medications prescribed by the doctor two days ago because of suspected allergic reactions towards the drugs given. My left eye was swelling and it only subsided yesterday but yet it is still hurting; just a little bit though.

Anyway, with the truckload of assignments and thesis taken away from my back, I feel way lighter than before but the weight is still heavy because the final examinations are approaching — actually, the horror will start tomorrow and will last for three weeks. The best thing is that this will be the final mile for me to run until I approach the finish line.

Setting aside my all emo and senti moments, I am prioritizing my revisions because of the need to score and ace all my modules. No, I’m not a sore loser but I just want to maintain the average so that it will be enough to guarantee myself the Honours that I silently promised myself and it will be a dedication to my parents, especially Mom, because of her efforts in encouraging and guiding me through these years.

If I have extra time I will definitely update my site but if not be patient, this last mile will only last for three weeks because I have only four wars papers to battle with. And all the best to those from my school!

• 26 Silhouettes Pondered

As opposed to the previous post, there were no shades in the photograph featured at all simply because I thought it would be more mysterious if the variety of colour tones were taken away; converted into grayscale or black and white (the coloured version is below this paragraph). One of the reasons why I featured that photograph was because of her slight smile and composure albeit I knew that the partial shadow right from the neck to the chest did ruin the photograph because it is quite obvious when you look at it with your naked eye.

That photograph (referring to the first photo) was taken when she was casually sitting down on the staircase that leads to a tower. I thought it would be nice to showcase another photograph of her in the blue dress; which was one of my favorites in her extensive wardrobe besides the earth coloured dress. She’s a beautiful girl, even though when she’s not dressed up especially when we have classes in school but still she managed to blow me away with her casual look — everytime.

What can you say, she’s my pwetty little wabbit after all!

• 15 Silhouettes Pondered

I have posted a photograph of her before here. In that particular post, I mentioned that she is the apple of my eye; she still is and will be for the rest of my life.

Anyway, I like this photo very much (referring to the photo above) albeit there’s the presence of shadow along her neckline towards the chest. The shadow is visible because I took this photo at a position whereby the sun was partially shining on her. It may be a defect but I love this photo because of her expression and the slight smile that she gave.

She’s my pwetty wabbit and she calls me … Silly wabbit!

Off topic; I am not too sure why I decided to call this photograph “Mysterious” but maybe because of its tone? I have the coloured version and I can post it up if the majority wants it up. I’m still very sick and weak not to mention emotionally upset but life goes on.

• 30 Silhouettes Pondered

Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born. — Anaïs Nin

Yesterday had been a bad and sad day. I fell terribly sick and the whole day was filled with senti and emo moments. It sounds tragic but with those tears that fell incessantly, I reinstated my belief that the world has always been unjust; the same goes to the people surrounding you. I am not skeptical but perhaps far too contemplative for my own good.

I asked myself many questions; silently, when I lay on my bed trying to fall asleep with a cold towel on my forehead. Am I being too sensitive and too ardent to ask for a little attention? Am I someone with a horrible attitude when displeasure masks my face? Do they sincerely care? Will I find the truth and sincerity behind those incessant affectionate phrases that were said to me every time?

Maybe I am too sensitive and far too contemplative for my own good. Their actions hurt. I’m hurting without them knowing. All I want is to know how significant I have been in that person’s life because I don’t know the core of my existence. I could be asking too much but somehow I find myself entitled to the truth that I yearn to know but it will sound horridly selfish when asked bluntly.

At this moment, I feel so bare with all my emotions dried up. I feel fictional and have nothing to offer anymore. I have always enjoyed the role of being a giver and not taker but I am so bare because everything has been taken yet I’m still to give all I can. I’m hurting, without that person knowing.

Sometimes, I feel like I am an object for temporal happiness. When my existence is felt and appreciated, I will be painted in the abstract art but the sad this is that the form of art that represents my being will be erased when my existence is not felt. Thus, began my journey of learning the nooks and crannies of living an artless life and how appreciate this new form.

I feel so disengaged but to whom does it matter?

No one.

I have always been walking alone in the thick marshes. Alone, trudging slowly, behind the shadows of others.

• 15 Silhouettes Pondered

I have been trying to churn out something for the past ten minutes but I seem to have suffered from a temporary blockage. Anyway, I just found the time to sit down in front of my laptop and to type something decent because previously I was giving my pad major cleaning. Listen, living with irresponsible housemates are not cool at all when “cleanliness” is not installed in their brains.

Anyway, the only decent person I am staying with is my childhood friend, Victor, who is as clean as I am. Too bad his friends (my housemates) are such suckers when it comes to the hygiene factor. Actually, they are clean — when it comes to their personal spaces. But the common area is like a shit-hole with envelopes strewn across the dining table, masses of mugs and plates piled in the stinking basin, garbage in the midst of fermentation, and lastly, a half-dead sugar glider in a tiny cage filled with cookie crumbs, cat biscuits, uncooked instant noodles, and mealworms. The poor creature is not fed with proper food and has not been given a bath for a month or two now. Maybe I should alert the SPCA?!

Well, I used to clean the whole pad once a week but stopped when I realised none of my housemates (excluding my childhood friend) appreciate what has been done. My pad is spanking clean and bright at the moment I am typing this but believe me when dusk falls the whole place will be in a mess again. Once my housemates are back from work, their shoes will be strewn across the shoe racks and hallway, sink piled up with fork, spoons, and mugs and sometimes Milo stains on the table which attracts fiery-red ants. Sometimes I wonder to myself, how hard is it for a person to wash the mugs and plates because it only takes a few minutes to do so? I guess that’s just plain laziness.

True enough, I have been living in a shit-hole for a few years now and occasionally I complain to Vic and put on a sour face because my housemates just cannot seem to instill the hygiene factor in them but I am tired because their attitudes won’t change. Not even when I die. But anyway, I am savouring the happiness contained in me because of the clean environment that I have created albeit it will only last me for a few hours before dusk arrives. Sounds funny or maybe lame but seriously I am deprived of a clean and dust-free pad. Plus, I might be moving to a new place with my childhood mate somewhere around September so I’m really looking forward to that day because the new pad will be clean without any fermentation or stinking sinks!

Have you had any experiences with such housemates before?

• 18 Silhouettes Pondered

The sky is of baby blue, pine trees swaying to the rhythm of the breeze; a motion that one can find peace with. Feeling the wind ruffling through my hair, I began to feel the solitude as I was waiting for the train at the empty station. The rays are blinding but it’s more than just brightness because it shows that the sun is smiling radiantly. Ten more minutes till the arrival of the train and I still have some time to churn out the thoughts that I have. With Leigh Nash playing in my ears, I contemplated from one end to the other; from my current life and the incoming new life. Soon, I can declare myself a working adult; no longer an Undergraduate student. Final exams are less than a month and I am already struggling to breathe and accept the fact that my university life will be coming to an end. Four years of bittersweet memories with good friends that I have made throughout my life as a student. Lying would not help because I am already feeling the pang of sadness emitting from my system as everything will be left behind as my past — technically, except for the boxes of memories segregated in my mind.

Whilst taking my time to write this piece at the desolate station, I realised that everything and everyone is changing with various circumstances and new adaptations. Definitely an undeniable factor that humans change; all the time. Maybe I am just feeling blue that everything is coming to an end soon and that most of my good friends will be migrating and/or leaving to their respective home countries. However, the thought of them going home or migrating gave me an ultimatum — to work hard and save up so that I can visit them one day. The friendships that I made have been fortified through ups and downs we’ve shared together. A part of me did wish that all these will not come to an end because I am unwilling to let go of the environment that I’m in but life goes on and all of us grow up. I believe that I’ll miss the frustrations that I had over multiple deadlines and of course, examinations! Like the adage, there’s no rainbow before the storm and I’ve been through the storms and now I can see the rainbow.

(Written when I was at the train station)

• 14 Silhouettes Pondered

This is the continuation of the first post here. I’ll allow the photographs to illustrate the dinner and hopefully I’ll have time to write about my university’s annual dinner; Bedazzled which was held last night. It was an awesome event!

• 11 Silhouettes Pondered